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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The line graph shows the number of video game discs that were bought in four months in 2014 from four different game stores, and the pie chart shows the percentage of games that had highest sales over this time.

The line graph shows the number of video game discs that were bought in four months in 2014 from four different game stores, and the pie chart shows the percentage of games that had highest sales over this time.
The line graph depicts data pertaining to the number of video
game
Use synonyms
 copies purchased from January to April as reported in 2014 from
four
Add a hyphen
four-game
show examples
game
Use synonyms
 retailers,
while
Linking Words
 the pie chart exposes the proportion of the top five
best selling
Add a hyphen
best-selling
show examples
games
Use synonyms
 over the same time period.
Overall
Linking Words
, Bioshock Infinite was the most famous
game
Use synonyms
 among
five
Correct article usage
the five
show examples
games
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the opposite was true for the other
games
Use synonyms
 which were not mentioned.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the
sales
Use synonyms
 of the retailer
called
Verb problem
apply
show examples
Cyberium
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 the only
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 four
gameshops
Correct your spelling
game shops
 which
experience
Wrong verb form
experienced
show examples
 an increase in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
values
Fix the agreement mistake
value
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 analysis will commence with the line graph. Regarding
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
the
sales
Use synonyms
 of the IGN shop, its value seemed to remain stable
through
Change preposition
apply
show examples
over the time period which was around 1000 copies. Meanwhile, there was
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 decline in the copies which
occured
Correct your spelling
occurred
 in both shops Ubihard
as well as
Linking Words
 Gamestop, from around 2600
sales
Use synonyms
 down to approximately 1300.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the Cyberium was the only retailer
saw
Correct pronoun usage
that saw
show examples
 an increase from roughly 1600 up to 3200
at the end
Linking Words
 of the time period. The attention will now turn to the remaining graph.Regarding
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
Bioshock Infinite, its proportion made a third of the pie chart. Meanwhile, around 28% of
sales
Use synonyms
were came
Change the verb form
came
show examples
 from the
game
Use synonyms
 called Pokemon Platinum. Concurrently, the
sales
Use synonyms
 of the three remaining
games
Use synonyms
 ran in a range from 13% to 15%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words game, games, sales with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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