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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Children The line graph gives data on the proportion of children respects to the total young population in the UK between 1990 and 2001. The proportion of children are categories in four age groups.

Children The line graph gives data on the proportion of children respects to the total young population in the UK between 1990 and 2001. The proportion of children are categories in four age groups.
The data illustrates the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
Change preposition
with respects
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respects
Correct subject-verb agreement
respect
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 to
total
Correct article usage
the total
show examples
 young population in four different
categories
Check wording
age categories
show examples
 of ages. From 1990 to 2001 in
United
Correct article usage
the United
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 Kingdom.
Overall
Linking Words
, early childhood from birth to 4 and teenagers
ages
Replace the word
aged
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 from 15 to 19 started with nearly
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 proportion ,but they decreased in different periods. When
children
Use synonyms
percentage
Use synonyms
between
Correct word order
of children between
show examples
 5-14 started to increase,
children
Use synonyms
who had
Verb problem
aged
show examples
 5-9 years old dropped in total
of
Correct word order
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 until the end of the period.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, in 1990, kids
percentage
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 between 0 to 4 started around 25
Use synonyms
percentage
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
 and it had
represented
Verb problem
apply
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a
little
Correct word choice
slight
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rising
Replace the word
rise
show examples
 by 1992
for
Change preposition
to
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 over 26
percentage
Use synonyms
 ,
then
Linking Words
 it dropped relatively
from
Rephrase
steadily from
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 1992 until the end. Teenagers proportion between 15 to 19 years old failed dramatically, and despite fluctuations, it started to recover in 1995 to reach 25
percentage
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. Notably, childhood ages from 5 to 9
begin
Wrong verb form
began
show examples
under
Change preposition
at under
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 25
percentage
Use synonyms
 in 1990, and showed some
rising
Replace the word
rise
show examples
 between 1993 to 1997 , and
this
Linking Words
 trend declined slightly throughout the year.
While
Linking Words
children
Use synonyms
 between 10 to 14 years old started with the lowest amount of young population by under 24
Use synonyms
percentage
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
, it recorded the biggest
rising
Replace the word
rise
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 and reached the peak in 2001.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, children with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "data" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 8 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reach" was used 2 times.
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