There are many female students who finish degrees in science and technology courses at university, but few move into the workplace after they graduate. Why is this? What measures can be taken to encourage them into work?

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It is commonly believed that
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
of female
graduated
Replace the word
graduate
students with degrees in science and technology
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
increased.
However
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, most of them don't look for jobs.
This
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essay will discuss the main causes of
this
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problem and suggest possible solutions to overcome it.
To begin
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with. There are several reasons behind
this
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issue. The first and most obvious cause is
the
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that the
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girls recently completed their degrees want to take
break
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a break
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from
studing
Correct your spelling
studying
.
This
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happens because the much offeret provided in their courses. Another significant cause is
some
Correct word choice
that some
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of them search for
high
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a high
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salary.
In addition
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, the highest expectation from the female doesn't
mach
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match
her
experties
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expertise
.
For example
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, engineers,
humen
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human
resources, and
lowiers
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lawyers
start their careers with at most 9000 SR based on
article
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an article
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writen
Correct your spelling
written
for fresh
graduaters
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graduates
in Saudi Arabia. Turning to the possible solutions, incoriging new starter by increasing the
vacations day
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vacation days
show examples
from 30
day
Fix the agreement mistake
days
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per year to
be
Verb problem
apply
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around 60 days each year.
This
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could let them feel comfortable to start immediately after
gain
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gaining
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their certificate.
Moreover
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, they have to understand that careers have different steps
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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they will raise
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raising
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the salary to meet their
requrements
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requirements
in the future could help tackle
this
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issue.
As well as
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improving their
both
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apply
show examples
hard and soft skills is one of the major
point
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points
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that
effect
Use the right word
affect
show examples
it. In conclusion, there are various factors that contribute to
this
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issue, but effective steps
such
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as extended vacation days and looking for the
jobs
Check wording
job's
show examples
salary for each level can greatly reduce
this
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problem.
Therefore
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, family and
govrement
Correct your spelling
government
need to take responsibility to solve it before it
worsen
Correct subject-verb agreement
worsens
show examples
.

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task response
Answer both parts more directly. Say clearly why women do not go to work, and then give clear steps to help them start work.
task response
Your main ideas are there, but some are hard to understand. Use short and clear ideas, and explain each one more fully.
task response
Use examples that fit the question better. Your pay example helps a little, but you also need examples about women in science and technology work.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end. Keep this shape in all essays.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Some parts jump too fast. Use simple links like First, Also, For example, As a result, and In conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph stay on one main point. In body 1, focus only on reasons. In body 2, focus only on ways to solve the problem.
task response
You answered both parts of the question: causes and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
You gave a clear introduction and a clear conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You used paragraphs, which helps the reader follow your essay.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example
Topic Vocabulary:
  • gender stereotypes
  • societal beliefs
  • recruitment process
  • work-life balance
  • career advancement
  • gender biases
  • mentorship opportunities
  • salary disparities
  • role models
  • financial compensation
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