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Writing Samples
Band 6

The charts below show the proportions of British students at one university in England who were able to speak other languages in addition to English, in 2000 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below show the proportions of British students at one university in England who were able to speak other languages in addition to English, in 2000 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#show #proportions #british #students #university #england #languages #addition #english #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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These charts show us
tthe
Correct your spelling
the
 data about
british
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British
show examples
students
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 of
an
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a
show examples
 university in England speaking
languages
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 other than
Engliah
Correct your spelling
English
 in
Use synonyms
Change the article
the year
show examples
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
 2000 and in 2010. As we can see that majority of
students
Use synonyms
 speak at least one extra
language
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 other than
english
Change the capitalization
English
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
 some
students
Use synonyms
 even speak two other
languages
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. In the
year
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 20
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of
students
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 were only using
english
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English
show examples
whereas
Linking Words
 in the
year
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2010
Add a comma
,2010
show examples
this
Linking Words
 percentage fell way down to 10%. If we talk about
Use synonyms
year
Change the article
the year
show examples
 2000, most of the
students
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 were able to speak
spanish
Change the capitalization
Spanish
show examples
, which is about 30% followed by german and another
language
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 at 15%. But in 2010 Spanish speakers rose to 35%
along with
Linking Words
 another
language
Use synonyms
 which experienced an increase of 5%
while
Linking Words
 German remained at 15%. The
Use synonyms
students
Correct quantifier usage
number of students
show examples
 speaking two other
languages
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also
Linking Words
 increased
about
Change preposition
by about
show examples
 5% in 10 years. The
languages
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 like German and French both are at 10% in 2010
along with
Linking Words
students
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 speaking no other
language
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.
Overall
Linking Words
 it can be concluded that as time is passing by
students
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 are becoming
more keen
Replace the words
keener
show examples
 to learn
languages
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by zoyapervez21 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "along with, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, languages, year, language with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "show" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • proportion
  • multilingualism
  • globalisation
  • immigration
  • education policy
  • career prospects
  • cultural understanding
  • distribution
  • percentage
  • increased/decreased
  • significant
  • trends
  • shifts
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