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Band 5

The pie charts compare the proportion of British children learning musical instruments in the years 1996 and 2016 , while the bar chart illustrates the percentage of children under 18 choosing to participate in various musical instrument courses in given years.

The pie charts compare the proportion of British children learning musical instruments in the years 1996 and 2016 , while the bar chart illustrates the percentage of children under 18 choosing to participate in various musical instrument courses in given years.
The pie charts compare the proportion of British
children
Use synonyms
 learning musical instruments in the
years
Use synonyms
 1996 and 2016,
while
Linking Words
 the bar chart illustrates the percentage of
children
Use synonyms
 who are under 18 choosing to participate in various musical
instrument
Use synonyms
courses
Use synonyms
 in given
years
Use synonyms
. ( mentioned
years
Use synonyms
/said
years
Use synonyms
 – you can use)
Overall
Linking Words
, the rate of
children
Use synonyms
’s tendency to learn musical instruments increased significantly
through
Change preposition
over
show examples
 the two decades .
Piano
Use synonyms
 was by far the most popular
instrument
Use synonyms
 among
children
Use synonyms
 in 1996,
however
Linking Words
, the number of
children
Use synonyms
 who enrolled in keyboard
courses
Use synonyms
 outnumbered that of
piano
Use synonyms
 in 2026 .
It is clear that
Linking Words
 nearly half of school
children
Use synonyms
 had intended
courses
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 musical instruments in 1996 , but over half of them
had been
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
not interested in musical tools in 1996 , at 44% and 56%respectively , but the figures for them changed substantially , with the number of
children
Use synonyms
 attended
courses
Use synonyms
 reaching
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 of 76% and
children
Use synonyms
 who did not
showed
Change the verb form
show
show examples
tendency
Add an article
a tendency
show examples
 for music constituting about
quarter
Add an article
a quarter
show examples
 of entire
children
Use synonyms
 In detail , the most popular musical
instrument
Use synonyms
had
Verb problem
was
show examples
 been
piano
Use synonyms
 , with a large proportion of
children
Use synonyms
 attending
this
Linking Words
 course , amounting to 30 %,
while
Linking Words
 nearly
one fifth
Add a hyphen
one-fifth
show examples
of
children
Use synonyms
 had chosen
Keyboard
Correct article usage
the Keyboard
show examples
 in 1996 .
However
Linking Words
 , the number of
children
Use synonyms
 who participated in keyboard
courses
Use synonyms
 surpassed that of
piano
Use synonyms
 in 2016 , at 30 % and 28% respectively . Acoustic guitar had been twice as popular as Violin at 7% and 14% , but they all witnessed a sharp decline of 4% . The electric guitar participants
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
made up 14 % of
children
Use synonyms
 in 1996 , after
that
Add a comma
that,
show examples
 the figure for them increased directly in 2016 by 3% to 17% ,
whereas
Linking Words
 the proportion of
children
Use synonyms
 who took up more than one musical
instrument
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
courses
Fix the agreement mistake
course
show examples
 stood the same in two
years
Use synonyms
 .
In addition
Linking Words
, the participants of other
courses
Use synonyms
besides
Linking Words
 those written had reached the low of 7% ,
although
Linking Words
 the figure for
this
Linking Words
 stood
the
Change preposition
at the
show examples
 same level with Acoustic guitar in 2016 .

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, while".
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 100%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words children, years, instrument, courses, piano with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "compare" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "proportion" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stood" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
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