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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The world health organization recommends that people should eat five or more portion of fruit and vegetables per day. The bar chart shows the percentage of males and females in the UK by age group in 2006.

The world health organization recommends that people should eat five or more portion of fruit and vegetables per day. The bar chart shows the percentage of males and females in the UK by age group in 2006.
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The bar chart illustrates the proportion of males and females
eat
Correct pronoun usage
who eat
show examples
 five or more
fruit
Fix the agreement mistake
fruits
show examples
 and vegetables per day in the United Kingdom by
age
Use synonyms
 group.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen from the bar chart that
both
Use synonyms
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 from 55 to 64
years
Use synonyms
 old
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 the highest.
While
Linking Words
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
both
Use synonyms
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 in 19-24
years
Use synonyms
 old
is
Verb problem
have
show examples
 the lowest
percentages
Use synonyms
. It is apparent that the
Use synonyms
percentages
Fix the agreement mistake
percentage
show examples
 of
Use synonyms
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
 group in male
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 lower than
Change preposition
in female
show examples
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
. The number of
female
Change to a plural noun
females
show examples
 is higher than
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 approximately 2, 3, 2, 5, 2 and 2
percentages
Use synonyms
 in 19 to 24, 25 to 34, 35 to 44, 45 to 54, 55 to 64 and 65 to 74, respectively in
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
 year 2006.
However
Linking Words
, the
percentages
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
 group
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
75
years
Use synonyms
 old
was still remained
Change to the active voice
still remained
remained
show examples
 at 25
Use synonyms
percentages
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
 in
both
Use synonyms
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 in 2006.
To conclude
Linking Words
, the
percentages
Use synonyms
 of fruit and vegetables
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
consumed five
of
Correct your spelling
or
show examples
 more
portion
Fix the agreement mistake
portions
show examples
 in every
age
Use synonyms
, the
Use synonyms
percentages
Fix the agreement mistake
percentage
show examples
 of
Add an article
the female
a female
show examples
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 is higher than
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the only
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
different
Replace the word
difference
show examples
 from the other is
75
Correct word choice
that 75
show examples
years
Use synonyms
 old still
remain
Correct subject-verb agreement
remains
show examples
 25
Use synonyms
percentages
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
 of
both
Use synonyms
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, both, years, percentages with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 8 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 2 times.
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