IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Most high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 per cent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. To what extent do you agree?

#positions #companies #men #workforce #countries #cent #percentage #women
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Despite having over 50
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 female workforce, most organizations in many developed countries have
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
senior
positions
 filled with men.
This
 essay completely disagrees with the
arguement
Correct your spelling
argument
 that
such
 corporations should introduce a quota for
women
 for these senior
roles
 because hiring should be done on merit and
such
 a decision will only reduce a
company
's
overall
 competency.
Introducting
Correct your spelling
Introducing
 a fixed quota to hire only
women
 in senior
positions
 undermines the true requirement, which is merit, for these
positions
. If a
company
 decides to fill a certain senior role only by
women
,
then
 it will be ignoring talents from the other gender, who might have more skills and fit the requirements. Normally, senior
roles
 require experienced and skilled professionals to come in and drive things immediately.
Therefore
, organizations should ignore gender disparities and look to hire individuals who will do a better job, be it a man or a woman.
For example
, Microsoft's recent decision to dissolve
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 diversity wing was based on the evaluation that employees hired through
this
 method were
least
Correct article usage
the least
show examples
 productive.
Moreover
, if companies from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
first-world countries do decide to introduce
such
 a scheme, it will only lead to certain business units being incompetent. As these senior
roles
 require immediate work, hiring or promoting only
women
 because
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 quota demands for it, might not be a good idea because the learning curve to
adopt
Correct your spelling
adapt
show examples
 to these
roles
 might be steep, which could later turn out to be a complete role-mismatch issue.
For instance
, X's, formerly called Twitter, open
senior-mangement
Correct your spelling
senior management
positions
have
Correct pronoun usage
that have
show examples
 a strict policy of no gender bias to ensure that whoever joins the
company
 can immediately pick from where the project was left previously. In conclusion, I believe open senior
roles
 in companies from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
first-world countries should not have a certain percentage allocation for female employees only, because they will be ignoring the merit required to get the job done, thereby leading to a decrease in the
company
's competency level.
Submitted by majumdarnilesh21 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your essay has a clear position and addresses the task prompt well. However, make sure to elaborate more on your main points with additional examples and evidence to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using more transitional phrases to better link your ideas and paragraphs together smoothly.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction clearly sets out the argument and your conclusion neatly summarizes your stance.
clear comprehensive ideas
You present clear and comprehensive ideas, maintaining a consistent position throughout the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Gender diversity
  • Affirmative action
  • Meritocracy
  • Quotas
  • Glass ceiling
  • Legal enforcement
  • Tokenism
  • Voluntary measures
  • Career progression
  • Representation
  • Workforce parity
  • Backlash
  • Historical imbalances
  • Corporate governance
  • Inclusive practices
  • Boardroom dynamics
  • Gender norms
  • Unconscious bias
  • Regulatory frameworks
  • Corporate ladder
What to do next:
Look at other essays: