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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The line graph below shows the employment rates of men and women of different age groups in one country.t he bar chart shows the percentage of people working in different sectors in the same country.

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The line graph below shows the employment rates of men and women of different age groups in one country.t he bar chart shows the percentage of people working in different sectors in the same country.
The line graph indicates the employment rates by gender of various
age
Use synonyms
 groups in a
spesific
Correct your spelling
specific
 country. The bar chart illustrates the rate of workers by sector in the same
reigion
Correct your spelling
region
.
Overall
Linking Words
, employment rates of men are higher than
that
Fix the agreement mistake
those
show examples
 for women.
Government categorized
Correct your spelling
Government-categorised
 jobs account for the highest
percentage
Use synonyms
, followed by manufacturing industries.
Male
Fix the agreement mistake
Males
show examples
 at the
age
Use synonyms
 of 20 have a pretty
much
Rephrase
apply
show examples
low
percentage
Use synonyms
 at approximately 70%, but the rate
consideravely
Correct your spelling
considerably
 increases to 88%. The percentages
fulctuate in
Change preposition
fluctuate
show examples
 between 89% and 94%,
whereas
Linking Words
 the percentages dramatically drop to 70% at
age
Use synonyms
 65. Female has a
relativelly
Correct your spelling
relatively
 lower
enployment rates
Check wording
employment rate
show examples
, which
start
Correct subject-verb agreement
starts
show examples
 from 66% in the
age
Use synonyms
 group 20, and
go
Correct subject-verb agreement
goes
show examples
 up to 79% by 25. Being 30, the
percantages significantlly
Correct your spelling
percentages significantly
 drop, but gradually rise by 45 years old. Later on, the number
decrese
Correct your spelling
decreased
 little by little, and reach 69% by the
age
Use synonyms
65
Change preposition
of 65
show examples
. Government job is in the
top
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
lead
of
Change preposition
in terms of
show examples
 the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of workers by sector at 22%,
follwed
Correct your spelling
followed
 by manufacturing at 13%. Hospitality accounts 8% among the five
categoried
Correct your spelling
categorised
 careers, and education has a
percentage
Use synonyms
 which is only 1% less
htan
Correct your spelling
than
 hospitality.
Finally
Linking Words
, finance accounts for
the
Check wording
apply
show examples
percentage
Use synonyms
 less than 5%

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 70%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, percentage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 7 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "drop" was used 2 times.
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