IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

You recently heard about some new jobs at a local department store. You would like to work there. Write a letter to store manager of the department store. In your letter - Explain how you heard about the job - Describe the kind of job you would like to have - Give details of your experience and qualifications Dear Sir or Madam,

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Dear Sir , I would like to introduce myself first. I am Sandi and currently studying
in
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at
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 Middlesex University. Now I am on my summer break from June to August .
Therefore
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, I am actively looking for a job to get extra money and
expereince
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experience
 during my holidays. A friend of mine who
also
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 lives in the same university
accomodation
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accommodation
 has informed me that there is a Customer Service Assistant vacancy announcement in your
store
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. I would love to
apply
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apply for
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 that position if it is still available. I used to
work
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 in Quicksilver which is an amusement arcade for 2 years . I was working as a supervisor when I left the job. I had to
work
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 with two customer service assistants and a manager. Our working hours were arranged by the headquarters. Sometimes I had to
work
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minimum
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a minimum
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10
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of 10
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 hours a day .
Aparently
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Apparently
, I worked 50 hours a week on
avarage
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average
. I had to deal with customers who were addicted to the games and always in
their
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a
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 bad mood. One of my responsibilities was to run the shop smoothly among them. My dream is to
work
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 in a
deparment
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department
store
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 as a customer service assistant one day. So I was over the moon when I heard your
store
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 has an opening. I promise you that I am the best fit in your
store
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. I would not let you down , If
i
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I
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 was offered a job. Look forward to
hearning
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hearing
 from you. Yours faithfully, Sandi

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Task Achievement
Make sure to address the letter using the correct format such as 'Dear Sir or Madam,' when you're unsure of the recipient's gender. It maintains formality and respect.
Task Achievement
To further enhance your letter, you might consider explicitly mentioning how your experiences and qualities make you a suitable candidate for the position beyond your past job responsibilities.
Coherence and Cohesion
In letters, it's helpful to introduce yourself at the beginning, but aim to quickly focus on the purpose of your letter. Your intent was clear, but a more direct approach could strengthen your message.
Coherence and Cohesion
For a polished look, pay attention to small details like spacing between paragraphs and correct spelling (e.g., 'experience' instead of 'expereince', 'average' instead of 'avarage'). These adjustments contribute to the reader's ease in understanding your message.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have nicely used a clear structure with paragraphs dedicated to introducing yourself, how you heard about the job, describing the job you want, and detailing your experience and qualifications.
Task Achievement
Your enthusiasm and desire for the job come through strongly in your letter, which is excellent for making a memorable impression on the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Job advertisement
  • Job opening
  • Department store
  • Position
  • Duties
  • Qualifications
  • Experience
  • Skills
  • Customer service
  • Teamwork
  • Responsibility
  • Retail industry
  • Previous employment
  • References
  • Resume/CV
  • Cover letter
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