IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some sectors, employees can work up to the age of 60 and in other sectors, like education, an employee can go on to work till the age of 70. On the other hand, some political leaders continue till 80. Obviously there is some disparity in deciding the correct age for retirement. In your opinion, until what age should people continue work in salary jobs?

#sectors #employees #work #age #education #employee #hand #leaders #disparity #retirement #people #salary #jobs
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In a few occupations, company workers can
work
Use synonyms
 till 60, in
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
 field up to the age of 70 and in politics even by the life of 80 years. In my opinion, people should ideally
work
Use synonyms
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
paid jobs until they hit 60 of their age.
This
Linking Words
 is because of, the reduced productivity
due to
Linking Words
 low physical activity and energy in the body and
also
Linking Words
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of knowledge about the changing market. As a person
grows
Correct subject-verb agreement
grow
show examples
 older,
there
Replace the word
their
show examples
 physiological systems undergo
age related
Add a hyphen
age-related
show examples
changes
Use synonyms
 leading to a smaller number of musculoskeletal movements causing weakness and a decline in the daily physically challenging tasks given to them.
Like
Change preposition
For
show examples
for instance
Linking Words
, a 62-year-old man working for 12 hours daily in a textile industry is unable to
work
Use synonyms
 efficiently and complains of chronic knee pain which is a result of
overactivation
Correct article usage
the overactivation
show examples
 of weak
quadricep
Correct your spelling
quadriceps
show examples
muscle
Fix the agreement mistake
muscles
show examples
.
Although
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 people tend to be productive
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
due to
Linking Words
lesser
Correct word choice
less
show examples
 energy they are not able to give their best and
hence
Linking Words
, they get replaced by the new young enthusiastic employees.
Additionally
Linking Words
, they don’t have enough information
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
 the new
changes
Use synonyms
 in the field so, they are inflexible and do not welcome
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
new ideas or opinions from
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 colleagues.
For example
Linking Words
, a
women
Change the noun form
woman
show examples
is
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
 working at
senior
Correct article usage
a senior
show examples
 post at an education institute for 27 years thereby, she has set some rules which remain unchanged and the new junior staff is unable to make the
changes
Use synonyms
 as she is a superior authority. In conclusion, it is always better for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals to take
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
retirement earlier by 60 years of their lives as later on our
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 undergoes
changes
Use synonyms
 leading to
fall
Correct article usage
a fall
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
working efficiency at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
work
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by nikitanalawade681 on

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task achievement
Your essay needs more detailed and varied examples to support your points effectively. Expand on how the lack of knowledge about the changing market can impact performance.
coherence cohesion
Consider organizing your ideas more clearly to enhance logical structure. For example, separate different points into distinct paragraphs to make it easier to follow the argument.
coherence cohesion
You have a solid introduction and conclusion, which frame your argument well.
task achievement
Your main points are clear and relevant. You have a good command of language and provide some specific examples.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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