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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The world health organization recommends that people should eat five or more portion of fruit and vegetables per day. The bar chart shows the percentage of males and females in the UK by age group in 2006.

The bar chart provides key information about the rate of people by gender in consuming five or more portions of fruit and vegetables daily in the UK during 2006 .The units are measured in percentage.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
clear from the
gragh
Correct your spelling
graph
 that the group
age
Replace the word
aged
show examples
 between 55-64 is considerably over in eating fruits and vegetables
compated
Correct your spelling
compared
 to other classes.
In addition
Linking Words
,
females
Use synonyms
 are more consumers
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 healthy food compared to
males
Use synonyms
.
Whereas
Linking Words
, in
Correct article usage
the catagorey
show examples
catagorey
Correct your spelling
category
 of
75 years old
Correct your spelling
75-year-olds
, the rate is exactly the same.
According to
Linking Words
 what is shown, in the age group of 35-44 ,
females
Use synonyms
 represented a quarter
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the total .
while
Linking Words
males
Use synonyms
 accounted
slightly
Change preposition
for slightly
show examples
 above 20% .
Linking Words
on
Fix capitalization
On
show examples
 the other hand , the ratio between both
males
Use synonyms
 and
females
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 almost equivalent in
class
Fix the agreement mistake
classes
show examples
 of 19-24
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 15% and 16%
respectivaly
Correct your spelling
respectively
. In terms of elderly groups, in
55
Correct article usage
the 55
show examples
-64
class
Punctuation problem
class,
show examples
males
Use synonyms
are accounted
Wrong verb form
account
show examples
 for a third of the total
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
females
Use synonyms
 were slightly over with 35 per cent.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words females, males with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • percentage
  • proportion
  • age group
  • male
  • female
  • health recommendations
  • dietary habits
  • public health
  • trends
  • significance
  • observations
  • gap
  • intake
  • balanced diet
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